


You Could Be With Me?

by A_Touch_Of_Hope (o0kaymawn0o)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Jared, Car Accidents, Cheating, Crying Jared, Crying Jensen, Drunk Driving, F/M, Fights, First Time, Heartbreak, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Top Jensen Ackles, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:13:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1850851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0kaymawn0o/pseuds/A_Touch_Of_Hope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen’s not as young as he used to be. He’s approaching his mid-thirties already. Jared’s almost thirty, perfect time to find someone to settle down with and start a family. And Jensen’s going to lose him just like that. He knows that Jared will still visit him, but it will be nothing like it is now. He’ll be lucky if he gets to see Jared three times a month. That person will become Jared’s whole world, and he won’t need Jensen anymore. Which is upsetting. Nothing Jensen can do about it, however. He’ll sit back, be the best man at the wedding, force out a happy speech to the couple and spend the rest of his life drowning in alcohol. </p><p>Yeah, that’s where he sees his life heading. In his lifetime, he’s had plenty of opportunities for relationships. The only thing is, he doesn’t want them. Jensen wants Jared, and he’s not going to settle for anyone else. He would rather go his whole life miserable, than spend the rest of it with someone that he’s not in love with. </p><p>When Jared does propose to someone fresh and new, Jensen's life turns upside down--abuse of alcohol that could eventually lead to his own death. Jared is cheated on, and Jensen is the only person he trusts. Was there light at the end of the tunnel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pillows Aren't Supposed To Talk

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is going to be angst filled. Like, FILLED. But it's not going to be a heap load of chapters. It's going to flow better if they're separate, though. :D Be warned, Jensen is going to be almost clinically depressed in this fic, and bordering on alcoholic. This chapter is for you to get a feel of their relationship and his feelings. :)

Jensen’s bored. Has been for a while now. He can’t seem to find something to do, or someone to do for that matter. If he could be asked to leave his apartment, he might be able to relieve some stress, thrust into some random hot dude until he spills into the condom. The fact remains that he really just can’t be bothered to move.

That is until he hears his best friend wrapping on his door loudly, yelling through the door, “Take your fingers out of your ass, Jensen, I’m coming in,” Jared says, pushing the door open and laughing when Jensen makes a display of smelling his fingers. It’s obvious to both of them that he hadn’t been doing any of that. It’s not his thing. But Jared’s not really knowledgeable of gay stuff and terminology, otherwise he’d know that Jensen’s a power top.

“You’re gross,” Jared jests, sitting on the end of Jensen’s bed.

Jensen smirks. “Shut up. You love it,” he declares, throwing a pillow at the taller man. The pillow is thrown straight back, and he catches it with ease. There’s playfulness in his eyes as he dives Jared off the bed, rolling around on the floor with him until he has Jared’s arms pinned above his head. “If we were in the Lion King right now, I’d say, ‘Pinned ya’,” Jensen imitates, trying his best at an impersonation of Nala.

Jared rolls his eyes. “All right, idiot. Get off me?” he requests, and Jensen does so, missing having his hands on Jared the moment they’re gone. Jared starts talking about something that’s going down tonight, but Jensen’s not really listening. For a long time, Jensen’s been in love with this man. He’s grown up with him, cried with him, shared a bed with him when he was cold, nursed him back to health when he was sick—he’s practically been Jared’s guardian since he lost his parents in a car accident so many years ago. He aches every time he sees Jared with anyone. There’s nothing he can do about it, though. All he can do is put on a fake smile, wink at Jared that he’s in, and head to the bar to drink his sorrows away. He’s ashamed to admit that it’s happened more times than he can count.

It doesn’t help that Jared’s an extremely attractive man, so he has no problem getting laid. Jensen sometimes wants to break his morals and just smash the living shit out of the girls that he hears giggling in the next room. He almost feels sorry for the guys he brings back, when he’s gripping a little too tight and thrusting so hard that they may not be able to walk the next day, but at the time he really can’t seem to bring himself to care, when all he can think about is how much he wishes that it was Jared who was underneath him, and there was no one in the other room with the love of his fucking life.

Why did he fall in love with a straight guy?

“So, you up for it? Chad’s friends gonna be there, and I think he’s your type,” Jared reflects, rifling through Jensen’s drawers, looking for something to wear. He has clothes of his own, but Jensen’s just feel better on his skin for some reason.

Jensen bites back his retort of, _you’re my type,_ instead choosing to ignore Jared nosing one of his favorite shirts. It’s something Jared’s always done, so he thinks nothing of it. Jared’s very open and friendly—personal space pretty much doesn’t exist for the guy, so it’s not at all surprising. For a brief moment, he allows himself to dream that Jared’s sensing his threads for another reason.

“I don’t feel like it tonight, Jay,” Jensen answers honesty, skin suddenly not the right match for his bones with the look that Jared gives him. He absolutely loathes disappointing Jared. The truth of the matter is, he’s not going to put himself through this again tonight. He needs a break from it. The pain is just too much to bear. One night for him to be selfless.

“Why not? Something wrong?”

Jensen gives him the smallest of smiles. “Nah. I’m good. Just don’t wanna go out tonight. Feel like watching a bad movie and getting an early night,” he assures, stepping up to Jared and reaching for a pair of black jeans and a midnight blue tee. “These’ll look good, Jay,” he says, handing them to Jared, then heading for the door. He needs a refill on coffee.

A flutter ruffles his insides when Jared follows him out the door, hot on his tail. Some part of him wishes that Jared would just suddenly realize that they were meant to be together, then he’d show Jared the night of his life—make love to him and show him how much he means to him. That’ll never happen. They are only dreams for Jensen to have, blissfully unaware of his surroundings as he sinks into his fantasies.

“Jensen, you’re practically my soul mate. Give me some credit.” Jensen’s heart clenches at those words. He hides it, moving into the kitchen to start on a round of coffee. “I know when you’re upset, man. Tell me what’s up?” The persistence is in his tone, and Jensen isn’t sure if he likes that or not. He never wants it to get to a point where he’s pushed enough to tell Jared that he’s in love with him. Jared would never leave him or disown him—it would just be awkward between them, and he can handle what they have now.

“I’m all right, Jared. Really. Can we drop this?” he pleads, switching the kettle on, absentmindedly preparing the granules. He takes the pitcher of milk from Jared when he hands it to him from the fridge, pouring a fair amount into his glass.

“ _Jen,_ ” Jared says in that tone that says he’s definitely not going to be letting this go anytime soon.

“You go have fun tonight,” Jensen mutters, circling his spoon in his coffee mug.

“It’s not gonna be fun at all if you aren’t there with me,” Jared returns, shifting next to Jensen, who’s suddenly gone quiet. A hand stills on Jensen’s shoulder as the older man tenses under the weight of it, feet shuffling before he pours the hot water into his cup, pointedly ignoring the heat surging up to his neck.

Jensen turns to Jared. “I’m sure you’ll be fine without me,” he insists, knocking Jared’s hand off his shoulder and starting for his room again.

“I could just stay in with you,” Jared suggests, following after Jensen. “A couple girls that I’ve been with before are gonna be there, and I’d rather not have that awkwardness, y’know?” When Jensen says nothing, merely setting his mug down on the bedside table before falling backwards on his bed and sighing, Jared arches an eyebrow.

“I’ve never seen you like this… Is there anything I can do?”

Jensen shudders, mind turning to the gutter.

“Nah. You should go, Jay. I’m sure you’ll find another girl to bring home, or you could go back to hers,” Jensen says, making sure not to sound too hopeful on the second part. As long as they aren’t here, he doesn’t have to feel the swell of pain in his heart every time he hears Jared kissing someone else.

Jared flops down, laying his head on Jensen’s crotch, shifting to get comfortable. He sighs when he feels content, glancing up at his friend, who hasn’t moved an inch since he laid down.

“I’d rather stay here with you,” Jared mentions with finality.

“If you insist,” Jensen replies, keeping the strain out of his voice. Very rarely, he wishes that Jared was less open and touchy-feely, and not at all bothered by laying his head flat on Jensen’s crotch.

Jared rolls onto his side so he’s facing Jensen, cheek brushing over Jensen’s zipper. “Your zippers diggin’ into my cheek,” he complains.

Huffing, Jensen scoots forward so Jared’s resting on his abdomen instead. “That better?”

“Much. Thanks, Jen.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Rising to a seating position, Jensen presses his hands into his blankets behind him and shakes his head, meeting Jared’s eyes. “No. Of course not.”

Jared visibly relaxes, nuzzling his head against Jensen’s clothed-stomach, the thin strands of hair causing Goosebumps to appear all over his skin, accentuating the light dusting of freckles in certain areas. Jensen halts the sigh of pleasure from leaving his throat. Call him a masochist, but he can’t help but need these moments where Jared is practically being intimate with him. He wants nothing to ruin that, and initiating sounds of desire will certainly take this away from him.

“Good. There’s nothin’ I hate more than upsettin’ ya’, Jen,” Jared says honestly, warm breath against Jensen’s grey shirt.

Jensen’s throat constricts, struggling to form words or inhale air. “Uh, same here,” he admits sheepishly, the urge to reach out and slide a hand through Jared’s floppy brown hair overwhelming.

He falls back down on the bed, pillowing his hands behind his head. Jared shifts, taking his phone out of his pocket. His eyes flick to Jensen once before he starts tapping away a message. “I’ma tell ‘em that we can’t make it,” he reveals, feeling sleepy all of a sudden. No matter where they are, if he gets tired he’ll use Jensen’s body as his personal pillow, and finds comfort in any area he decides to use that particular time. A laugh bubbles in his stomach as he remembers that one time he claimed Jensen’s butt as his pillow for the night, after they spent the whole evening getting smashed. They had collapsed on the bed, still fully clothed, and Jared slid down to Jensen’s side before resting his head on Jensen’s butt. He joked a warning about farting in his face, which Jensen laughed loudly at in his drunken state before falling asleep. It had been the best sleep of Jared’s life. He doesn’t doubt that Jensen would let him repeat the sleeping position, but it would be an odd thing to ask.

“What’re ya’ giggling about?” Jensen asks, interest piqued.

Jared glances up at him and flashes his dimples. “Just thinkin’ about that time we got smashed and I used your ass as my pillow,” he retells, sliding his phone back into his pocket for now.

Jensen quirks a ‘brow. A second later, he laughs when the memory flashes through his mind. “Oh, yeah. You told me not to fart, then fell asleep with your head on my ass,” Jensen regales. It had been a great night—just the two of them getting wasted at their local.

“You didn’t, did you?”

Jensen snorts. “Nah. Not that I would be able to tell considering I was sleepin’,” he offers, closing his eyes and concentrating on the sound of their breathing.

“Well, I assumed ‘cause you’re gay, you’d be extra careful down there,” Jared replies, covering a yawn with a large hand.

Rolling his eyes, Jensen thrusts his hips up. Jared’s caught by surprise and drops back down on Jensen’s abs, slight sting around the back of his head. “What was that for?” Jared complains, moving onto his side again, locking eyes with Jensen.

“I’m a clean person in general, Jared. Clean the same way you do, but I don’t do it for _that_ reason. When you’ve walked in on me with a dude, have you ever seen me on the receiving end? Think hard because you’ve bore witness several times,” Jensen monologues, scratching at an itch on his cheek, thinking that he might need to shave soon.

Jared ponders that, coming up short. “So you’ve never taken it up the ass? Don’t you need to go through the whole gay experience to—“

“No, not at all. I wouldn’t expect you to understand, being straight and all. I’m open minded. Tried putting a couple fingers in there, couldn’t get past the discomfort of it. I found my prostate, but that didn’t make things much better. I just felt weird.”

“So it’s not the physical feelings, but the personal ones?” Jared asks, interested.

Jensen nods. “Exactly. Some people do both, some top, some bottom. For some people, they just enjoy the idea of being filled—used and thrown around and stuff. That’s not for me, though. I’m not an ass, unless I’m a little drunk.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I get drunk, I can be a bit too rough, lots of tight grips and more force than necessary. But that’s when I’m off my ass,” Jensen supplies, leaving out that he only stems to that level when Jared’s in his own room with some noisy girl.

“So, you’re good enough of a top to get them off, without having to return the favor?” Jared continues, suddenly realizing just how loud Jensen’s bedroom partners have been, and just how hard the headboard slams against the wall. Sometimes, he thought it might be Jensen making those noises… Then again, Jensen’s not really a vocal person, not even when he accidentally burns himself on the cooker. He’s a strong man underneath all the softness he reserves for Jared.

Jensen manages to smirk. “Yeah. I guess so. I’m not cocky, but I know how to work it,” he says, pulling his mind from the gutter, so Jared doesn’t suddenly feel a pressure against the back of his head.

“What movie did you wanna watch?” Jared questions, answering the text that vibrated against his leg. “Chad said he’ll miss me, but he’s not gonna bitch me out, so I’m good to stay here,” he explains, poking Jensen in the side when he doesn’t immediately get a response.

Jensen shifts, moving out from under Jared and ambling over to his movie collection, thinking something simple. Jared likes chick-flicks. He doesn’t have a lot of those. Finally deciding on the first _Scary Movie,_ Jensen takes the disk out of the case and inserts it into the player, switching his TV on as he does so, eyes flicking back to catch Jared laying on his side with his eyes closed.

Once everything is set up, he moves back to his bed, letting out a sigh. He places one knee, then drops onto his front, folding his arms in front of him. Jared peaks one eye open and grins when Jensen motions with his chin that it’s okay.

In a couple seconds, Jared drags himself along the bed. He stays on his side as he perches his head on the top of Jensen’s clothed-ass and laughs when Jensen says he’ll try not to gas in his face. Jared swats the back of his head, and Jensen groans, rubbing the sore spot.

“Do that again and you can use the floor as a pillow,” he warns, reaching for the remote and pressing the play button.

“Yeah, yeah. Pillows aren’t supposed to talk,” Jared shoots back, grinning when he can practically hear the eye-roll Jensen initiates.

The movie starts, only Jensen’s not really paying attention to it. He’s seen it a fair amount of times—not to that aggravating point where he could quote it word for word, just enough that without looking, he knows exactly what’s happening on the screen in front of him. He’s pretty sure that he could fall asleep, play the movie through his head, and wake up just as the credits are rolling. It’s not his favorite movie. Not by a longshot, but Jared likes it and he laughs along to the parts that are supposed to enforce comedy, and Jensen can’t resist tuning in to the sounds of his mirth instead. The little things like that keep him sane in these times.

Right now, it’s on the part where the stupid blonde is on the phone to the killer, not smart enough to realize that she has a private phone, and unknown numbers shouldn’t be able to reach her. Jensen knows that she also assumes that it’s her boyfriend using an unusual voice.

Jensen’s not as young as he used to be. He’s approaching his mid-thirties already. Jared’s almost thirty, perfect time to find someone to settle down with and start a family. And Jensen’s going to lose him just like that. He knows that Jared will still visit him, but it will be nothing like it is now. He’ll be lucky if he gets to see Jared three times a month. That person will become Jared’s whole world, and he won’t need Jensen anymore. Which is upsetting. Nothing Jensen can do about it, however. He’ll sit back, be the best man at the wedding, force out a happy speech to the couple and spend the rest of his life drowning in alcohol.

Yeah, that’s where he sees his life heading. In his lifetime, he’s had plenty of opportunities for relationships. The only thing is, he doesn’t want them. Jensen wants Jared, and he’s not going to settle for anyone else. He would rather go his whole life miserable, than spend the rest of it with someone that he’s not in love with.

“Ha-ha! Could you imagine being in one of these movies, Jen? It’d be hilarious,” Jared mumbles, breaking off on a laugh as the girl falls on the front of her parent’s motor, her father not even paying attention as he’s too busy receiving head from his wife.

Jensen shakes himself from his thoughts to answer his friend. “I’d pick the guy getting head. At least that way, I’m there for more comic relief, and don’t have to die pathetically,” he reflects, knowing what moment the movie is on without even glancing up.

He feels a poke to the small of his back and narrows his eyes at the carpet. “It’s for fun, grumpy-pants,” Jared tells him off, shifting a little to get comfortable again, wondering if he can get a pillow made out of the comfort of his friends butt. Seriously, butts shouldn’t be this comfy—Jensen is disproving this logic.

“Whatever. It’s still lame.”

“You’re lame.”

Jensen smirks. “Fine. Use someone else’s ass as your pillow,” he teases, pushing his butt up to prove a point, laughing when Jared slides off to the side and huffs. “I’m sure they’ll appreciate your fat head better than I do.” Jared doesn’t have a fat head. It is fun to tease the taller man, though. Especially since he turns into an overgrown child the minute a comment like that is passed.

“I don’t have a fat head,” he whines, pushing Jensen off the bed, biting back a smirk when the older man lands with a crash and grumbles under his breath. His eyes widen a fraction when a large hand secures itself on the edge of the bed, his face paling as another appears, and suddenly he’s tumbling towards the floor as Jensen tugs the covers, forcing Jared down onto the floor with him, stepping back a few fractions so Jared doesn’t fall on top of him. He’s a tough man, but Jared’s 6’5, blessed with muscles and not an ounce of fat on him, no matter how much sugar and bad food he consumes.

Jared fumbles to find his bearings, glaring up at Jensen. The other man merely grins, tugging the covers along the floor, bringing Jared along for the ride, snorting when Jared tries and fails to roll backwards—Jensen almost loses his grip when the motion gives him a spectacular view of Jared’s pert, bubble-butt, which he longs to grip, bite and rut all over.

“A’right, you’ve proved your point, asshole,” Jared grumbles, caught between a half-roll. He’s relieved when Jensen drops the covers, tentatively holding his thighs and pulling him back into a sitting position. “I’m too big to do backwards roll, who’d of thought?” he jokes, swatting at Jensen’s knee and smiling when it triggers a knee jerk.

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Try again when you’re drunk. You think you’re superman in those times,” he offers, snorting when Jared immediately stands up and poses like Superman. “Okay, Clarke Kent. Give it a rest before you strain something.” Jared hardens his eyes, and Jensen asks him if he’s trying to use heat-rays to melt him, which the younger man nods to, puffing out his chest and bending forward to see if that heightens the effect.

Running a hand through his hair, Jensen laughs. “Now you look like you’ve got a hard case of constipation.”

“You’re constipated,” Jared shoots back lamely, pouting.

“Good one, Jay,” Jensen replies, throwing his covers back on the bed, briefly turning to see the part where the guy gets a dick through the ear. “Hey, look. He knows what you’re going through.”

Jared snorts. “If I was gonna have a dick in any hole, it wouldn’t be my ear, Jen,” he says, as if that’s completely obvious.

Visibly shuddering from head to foot from just hearing that coming out of his best friends’ mouth, Jensen clears his throat, hideous thoughts rushing to his mind to vaporize the onslaught of dirty, wonderful ones. He busies himself by putting his bed back together, completely ignoring Jared’s detailing of whether or not he would prefer having it up his ass, or in his mouth, listing off that he’s not sure if he would even appreciate the taste at all, and at least if it’s in his ass, all he has to do is feel it there. Then he questions Jensen on his opinion, just as Jensen’s rearranging his pillows for something to-do.

“Is the taste that bad? You’ve eaten a girl out before—you didn’t like it, but you tried it. Is the taste the same as dick?” Why does Jared have to be so open and easy going when it comes to conversations like this? Years ago in college, they ended up in this game of _I Never_ , which quickly escalated into truth or dare, and Jared revealed the top five celebrity males that he would sleep with if he were into that. Jensen had spent the whole evening hiding his quite obvious hard-on. Needless to say, he never wore skinny jeans at any parties after that just in case.

Jensen rolls his shoulders back. “Uh, not really. It’s like skin, with a bit of salt, but once your spits all over it, you can’t really taste any of that unless it’s, like, potent,” he supplies, not meeting Jared’s eyes for a second. If he had been facing Jared, he wouldn’t have been able to help himself from staring down at Jared’s crotch. He’s caught Jared in the nude plenty of times, and his thoughts switch between sucking Jared’s cock until he comes down his throat, tonguing Jared’s perfect ass until his pink hole is glistening with spit, and fucking Jared through the floor, among kissing him senseless and marking his body all over. Let’s just say that none of the thoughts are of the innocent nature. Sometimes he wishes Jared would get fat, so at least his body wouldn’t be as appealing. Jensen would still be in love with him, though, and the problems would remain.

“Do you like sucking dick, Jen?” Jared’s question is full of innocence and curiosity. To Jensen, it brings the image of himself blowing Jared like his life depends on it, and Jared gasping that sentence out in a husky whisper, big hands buried in his hair, keeping him steady. ‘cause Lord knows he’d be drunk with lust by that point.

To be honest, it’s not his favorite thing. He’s definitely grateful to receive a blowjob than to give one. But this is Jared, so of course he’d be more than happy to suck him off every day he got through the door after work or something. And if Jared could return the favor, then great. Jensen would never expect him to, though.

“Dunno. It doesn’t get me all hot and bothered. I mean, yeah… It’s fun to break them with just my mouth, but I don’t get that much out of it,” he answers finally, turning off the movie since neither of them are watching it.

He goes back to his bed, lying down with his head resting against the newly fluffed pillow. Jared joins him, positioning himself next to the older man, hands gripped behind his head, curiosity still rolling off his skin. “Then what is your favorite thing when it comes to sex?” he asks simply, turning onto his side to catch Jensen’s bemused sidelong glance.

“Honestly?”

Jared nods. “Honestly.”

“You’d think it would be fucking them, right?” Jensen mutters, laughing nervously.

“It’s not?” Jared arches a ‘brow, keen to know.

Jensen lets out a whooshing breath. “Well, uh. I get the most pleasure from fucking, obviously. But the act that I enjoy the most is rimming,” he admits, dragging a hand down his face.

The younger man repeats the word like it’s a different language. “Is that like… What’s it? Uh, tossing the salad?”

“Yeah.”

A cringe is the response. “Isn’t that really gross? Why would you enjoy that so much? Dude, that’s where—“

“Crap comes from, yeah. It’s not like I’d ever rim a guy that’s not clean down there. Same thing with sucking dick, there’s always a bit of musk, but once your spits all over it, the taste is gone. It turns to your spit and slight skin. ‘sides, it’s not the taste that gets to me. It’s the submission, like they’re completely at my mercy, and I’m pretty damn good at it, so they’re pretty much up for anything I wanna do when I’m done,” Jensen details, as if he’s speaking about everyday life, and not a sexual act.

“It feels… Good?”

Jensen shrugs. “I dunno. Someone tried once with me, but I tensed up the second they got there.”

“Why?” Jared rests a hand on Jensen’s shoulder for support.

Enjoying the contact, Jensen closes his eyes, feeling quite drained. “I guess I just don’t like anyone going near there. Doesn’t matter if it’s me, or even someone that I’ve been with for a long time, I just tense up and freak out a bit. It’s not like I’m desperate to try it, either. Really, I don’t want to, so it works for me—“

“Has anyone ever tried to force themselves on you?” Jared says quietly, a hard undertone of anger hidden beneath a layer of concern that only Jensen can understand.

Jensen smiles, pressing a hand to Jared’s chest and wriggling his hand before letting go. “Once. We were both kind of drunk, and he was kinda a lot bigger than me. I managed to stop him, though. Yeah, that was—“

“I’m sorry, Jen. That’s awful. I hope you know that if I were into that, and we were together, I would never try to make you do anything you don’t want to do,” Jared announces with so much sincerity that Jensen almost feels like crying his fucking eyes out. He knows that in a parallel universe, where they’re happily together, Jared wouldn’t dare try to force him into something. Jared’s the nicest person to ever walk the planet, and Jensen is the luckiest man alive to be his best friend.

“Thanks, buddy, I appreciate that.”

“I’m serious. Anyone ever tries to do that to you in the future, you tell me, and I will tear them to pieces. I don’t care if I end up in jail. You’re my best friend and I love you,” Jared continues, smiling serenely and so sure of himself.

A part of Jensen melts right then and there. Jared loves him like a friend or a brother. Not the way that Jensen would kill for him to. It’s just never going to happen, and Jensen will remain forever alone. But he accepts that. Because he loves Jared Padalecki. More than anything in the entire world.

“Love you too, buddy.”


	2. A Bottle of Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen just can't take the sight of it.

The past few weeks haven’t been so great for Jensen. It started with Jared meeting someone. A girl called Sandra. She’s nice, but that’s not the point. They’ve spent every day with each other since, so Jensen’s not had his daily dose of Jared for a while now. He spends his time drinking, listening to songs on repeat and delving into mental rants with himself. He’s a coward. Can’t even tell Jared that he’s in love with him. Instead, he chooses to keep up this charade that he’s so thrilled for Jared to have found someone that he’s interested in and all that shit. Couldn’t be further from the truth, considering he’s been having dreams of Sandra driving off the edge of a cliff. Or maybe he’s the one pushing the car? He’s not sure. What he does know is that those dreams are not healthy, and hence he’s been drinking his troubles away. Hasn’t gone a day without drinking for the past two weeks, and he can see this being a prolonged period of heavy drinking. It happened before, when Jared got ill and had to stay in hospital, and Jensen overheard one of the doctors say that Jared might not make it. Yeah, he nearly drank himself into a coma. Even had to get his stomach pumped, which wasn’t pretty.

Currently, Jensen’s at the bar of their local, drinking Southern Comfort, even though it’s the early hours of the afternoon. Some people have tried to talk with him, but he hasn’t paid much attention beyond hello and goodbye. Really, he just wants to be left alone to wallow in his own self-pity. No one asking him how he’s been, or if he’s going to buy the whole bottle on the next order instead of sticking to the doubles that he’s been ordering. It’s not up to them how much he drinks. Sure, the manager could throw him out at any time, but they have a good rapport, so he doesn’t see that happening.

Finishing his latest drink, Jensen gestures for another one. In that instance, his wayward best friend decides to show up, looking like they saw each other yesterday, and Jensen really hasn’t needed him for the past few weeks. Jared is all smiles and flashy dimples, drawing Jensen into a side-hug. Jensen allows himself a brief moment of satisfaction before giving Jared the signal that he is welcome to take the seat next to him.

“Hey Jenny from the block,” Jared greets, holding his finger up for a single beer.

“Hey wannabe Tarzan,” Jensen replies, grinning when his drink is set in front of him.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Jared comments.

Jensen shrugs his shoulders. “Pointing out the obvious there, Jay,” he remarks, casting his eyes on the sports game playing in the background. The sound is off. Not that Jensen cares for the Director’s commentary. Nevertheless, right now it’s a distraction from the conversation he’s about to have.

“Where have you been?”

“Here,” Jensen answers without hesitation, holding his drink up in toast-form, draining the glass in a matter of seconds. He notices Jared watching him disapprovingly out of the corner of his eye. This isn’t something that he needed right now. Least of all from Jared who is the man behind his troubles. Hell if he’s going to reveal that, though, and have Jared ask questions and fuss over him.

Nope. Not what he signed up for.

Jared comments on the time of day, provoking Jensen to make up some bullshit about celebrating something or other that he really cannot begin to get in to the details of right now. When Jared pushes with what he could really be celebrating, he mumbles that it’s a secret, and that Jared’s not in the circle.

“I’m hurt,” Jared jokes, even though Jensen knows better, and that Jared actually is hurt by that statement. Upsetting Jared is the last thing he wants. Revealing to him that the reason for his state of alcohol dependency is due to his best friend seeing some girl isn’t going to help the situation at all.

“I’ve told Sandy a lot about you,” Jared says, fingers shying away from the rim of his glass.

Jensen bites back his retort of, _Oh, it’s Sandy now, is it? Isn’t that just the most adorable thing ever?_ Instead, he offers the usual reply someone says when told that they’ve been discussed.

“All good, I hope?” he issues dryly, ignoring the knowledge that Jared can see with ease that what he just said has absolutely no heat to it. This would all be so much easier if they couldn’t both read each other as though they drafted each other’s biographies. It wouldn’t be that hard for them, considering they keep nothing from one another.

Well, almost nothing. Just the slight detail of Jensen loving Jared with all of his heart, and going out of his way to keep that under wraps so that he doesn’t lose his best friend. He can live with not having Jared as his partner. He can live with not waking up to Jared tucked into his arms, back nestled against his chest. He can live with not kissing Jared before he heads to work in the morning, and cuddling him from behind when the opportunity arises. He cannot, however, live without Jared in his life.

While it’s already been established that he knows that Jared wouldn’t cut him out if he knew, things would be awkward between them, and Jensen loves what they have now. There’s nothing that he wants to lose from their friendship. He’d rather die first.

Jared grins. “Yeah, all good. I’m meeting her later for dinner. You should join us,” he leaves the offer in the air. Jensen regards him for a moment. If he says no, Jared will be upset. If he says yes and makes an ass of himself at the dinner, due to the fact that he can’t stand to see Jared with this girl, Jared will be upset. The pros and cons of the proposal are few and far between. He’s not sure that he can take something like this on without acting out.

This is for Jared, though. Jared desperately wants him to meet this girl and accept her. If she makes Jared happy, who the hell is Jensen to stand in the way of that? All he wants in life is for Jared to be happy. That being said, if it’s not with him, there’s not much he can really do about it.

As Jared stares on with bated breath, Jensen accepts the offer. Jared nearly jumps for joy in his seat, giving Jensen the time and place—a promise for them to watch a crappy movie afterwards, for them to spend some time together because he knows that they haven’t seen much of each other since Jared got with Sandy.

Jensen appreciates the effort. He really does. They both know that that’s not going to happen, though. Jensen’s not going to kid himself. The reason they haven’t seen each other is because Jared is getting sex from this girl. Apparently, sex trumps friends.

Who would have thought?

Ordering himself another drink, Jensen watches Jared’s ass as he walks away. He sighs, damming Jared for having such a hold over him.

* * *

 

“So, Jared says that you’ve known each other for a long time,” Sandra opens, playing with the side of her hair as if she has a hard time keeping eye-contact with Jensen. He’s not surprised. Not that he’s trying to be subtle or anything. He really isn’t. Being around her is making his skin crawl. She’s making an effort to communicate with him, and he should really respect that by answering her question, even if it is obvious that she already has all of the answers. She’s been seeing Jared for too long now not to know the details.

“Yeah. Long time,” he replies sternly, fighting off the rush of aggression threatening to spill over at a moments notice. He just knows that if she says the wrong thing, that will be it, and he won’t be able to drag himself down to earth once he’s lifted off.

“How did you meet?” she presses, daring to stab her fork into the meat.

Jensen trains his eyes on Jared, who gives him a reassuring smile. So, Sandra’s heard it from Jared, and now she wants to hear it from him to see if everything adds up, or is it just to get him talking, due to her lack of courage to say anything herself?

Whatever. It’s not like he has much to lose by firing off the same story.

“I’ve known Jared since he wet the bed. We first met when my parents arranged a surprise sleepover for the two of us. My Mom and Dad met with Jared’s parents on a trip to the store, and they really connected. They hoped that the same would happen for us. At first, I didn’t really know what to do with the kid, so I let him play with some of my toys. And then, out of nowhere, he picked up my guitar for the first time and asked me to play. Ever since then, we’ve been best friends,” Jensen monologues as though he knows the story from back to front, which probably holds quite a lot of truth to it. When he sang to Jared that time, the little boy that he came to know and love smiled at him, praising him for his voice, then requested that Jensen teach him how to play. Fair to say that Jared had been a hopeless case. They both figured that out quickly, and they decided that Jared would just be his backing vocals when they performed for both their parents a few weeks later.

In the time that they spent together perfecting their performance, they became close. When Jensen realized that Jared had been being bullied at school, Jensen acted fast to remedy the situation, promising the young Jared Padalecki that he would always look after him.

None of that has changed to this day. He’s still watching out for him. And, if he’s being honest, it’s not just his jealousy that is heightening his aggression towards this woman. She seems like she’s hiding something, or she will be in the future. Jensen’s not entirely sure. He just knows deep in his stomach that she is not the one for Jared.

Jensen could barely pay attention to the dinner in front of him. He lost his appetite the second he sat down for this crock of shit.

“Jared mentioned that you’re barely ever apart?” Sandra encourages, seeming none too pleased by the fact. Well, screw her. Jensen’s not going to leave Jared’s side for some bitch like her. That idea isn’t even going to be entertained. The realization that she doesn’t like him just as much as he despises her brings a gleam to his eye. At least they’re on the same page.

She doesn’t want Jared like he does.

She doesn’t deserve Jared.

Before Jensen can say anything to that, Jared steps in, laying a large hand over Sandra’s dainty one. Jensen fights the desire to take a hatchet to Sandra’s arm—he keeps his face passive instead.

“Jensen’s like a brother to me. A brother that you want to be around. Not one that you just happen to be stuck with because he’s family,” Jared jests, circling his thumb over Sandra’s knuckle.

Acting as if he just remembered something, Jensen excuses himself, making up some bullshit about this thing that he has to do for work. It brings Jared back to what he had been celebrating over, but Jensen breezes past that by ensuring him that the work of a man is never done.

Sandra stands as he leaves, holding her hand out for Jensen to shake. He passes it, slapping Jared on the back before he makes his exit. As he’s leaving, Sandra calls out that it’s been a pleasure to meet him. He doesn’t dignify that with a response, choosing to widen his gait as he gets away.

He turns his head once to ensure that Jared isn’t upset, freezing in place when he witnesses Jared and Sandra’s lips connecting. Jensen narrows his eyes, hurrying to the door as the contents of his stomach begin to barrel through his esophagus, spilling onto the sidewalk as he makes it out of the restaurant just in time.

Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, Jensen peels himself from the wall, starting down the street. He ducks into an alleyway, shielding himself from the world as tears shock his frame, running down his cheeks in waves.

He thought he would be able to handle it. For Jared. Why did the younger man think he’s been avoiding meeting that bitch for so long? For precisely that reason. Catching them in the act was the last thing that he wanted for his evening. If Jared hadn’t found him at the bar, he’d be well on his way to passing out in his bed from a bottle of Jack’ already.

Jensen slides down the wall, landing on his ass, fingers catching tears left and right. What the hell is the matter with him? Since when did Jared’s escapades get to him like this? Maybe it’s because this is more serious? Maybe it’s because Jared’s actually with someone? Maybe it’s because Jared only noticed today, after the past few weeks that they have only seen each other at the apartment?

That might not even be a possibility soon. Jared’s going to leave the apartment, move in with Sandra and make _wonderful_ babies. This is a disaster, and there’s nothing that he can do about it at all. The only thing he can do is head to the store, get some liquor and drink himself stupid back at the apartment. That sounds like a plan for him

Jensen recovers himself from the ground, removing the final trail of tears that he’s going to shed tonight. That’s a promise to himself that he intends to keep.

* * *

 

The Jack’ helps. Jensen may have thought this was a bad decision. Truth is, he’s starting to think that it wasn’t. With the heavy buzz of alcohol in his stomach, he’s finally thinking about Sandra shoving her tongue down Jared’s throat. It’s settled him into a state where he can sink into his fantasies, his right hand slipping below his jeans, curling around his swelling cock, imagining that it’s Jared hand; Jared’s mouth; Jared’s ass creating the tight friction that he’s forcing on himself.

Jensen worries his bottom lip, his imagination having a field day, a vivid image in his mind of Jared jumping up and down on his cock, gripping onto his shoulders for leverage as he clenches around him, dragging his hole along Jensen’s cock in just the perfect way.

And then Jensen hears the front door opening and a giggling Sandra following behind Jared. And, you know what? It hurts too much and he breaks his promise.

 

 


	3. The Sun and Stars are Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since they last saw each other. Jensen isn't doing too well. Jared comes to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this took a very long time. I'm really sorry, but I have been going through some stuff in life. I'm not gonna bore you with the details. I just couldn't sit back any longer while people kept losing faith in me, so here is part three.

Jensen doesn't have the slightest idea what the time is. The curtains have been shut for well over two weeks now. Everything is a huge mess, kind of like his life at the moment. There's a litany of empty bottles scattered around the floor, remnants of alcohol leaving behind lingering fumes suffusing the air. Jensen could care less how shit this place looks. He could care less how bad it smells. He could care less how long it's been since he last had a shower. 

What's the point? He's got no one to look good for. No job to go to because they recommended he take some leave to clear his head of whatever had been going on in his life lately. At least when he had a job to go to, he had something to take his mind off things for a while. Not that it helped much. Nothing helps at all these days. Jensen wouldn't be surprised if a gunshot failed to give him the peace of mind that he's been craving for months now. 

His life is over. He may have already offed himself if it wouldn't hurt his best friend. Having said that, would the guy even care anymore? Now that he's married? Now that he has some girl in his life that  _loves_ him? Now that he has a place with her in some suburban part of town? Maybe not, then. So, why hasn't he just gone ahead and done it? Jensen doesn't know. 

He can't let go. That's his problem. He just can't let go of Jared. Jared is his sun and stars. He's the moon. He's the ocean. He's the roots in the ground giving life to the forest. He's  _everything._ He's hope. He's love. He's forgiveness. He's desire. . . Jared Padalecki is a gift, and Jensen's just not strong enough to realize that his time with Jared is over now, that he's not needed in the grand scheme of things anymore. Jared will live on without him now. But, he just  _can't_ let go. 

A knock on the door doesn't even phase him. Jensen's not planning on answering it. He would rather act as if he's not home, in the hopes that whoever is there will just go away. And then he hears a voice that he hasn't heard in a while--a voice that can always get him to move. . . 

"Jen? Hey, it's me. Open up?" 

Jared doesn't have his key anymore, which is why he needs Jensen to open the door for him. Jensen still has Jared's key, though, tucked away in the inner pocket of the jacket that Jared bought him for his twenty-fifth Birthday. It had been a present for both of them, really. Jared wore it a lot more than Jensen did, but now it's definitely fulfilling its purpose, by aiding Jensen's descent into madness, assisting him in just not being able to let go that little bit more. 

"Come on, dude. I know you're in there. Open the door, please?" 

Jensen never was good at ignoring Jared. He knew the moment Jared spoke that he would get up off the floor and do his best to stubbornly guide himself to where the door is, knocking into objects and bottles alike as he goes, until he grips hold of the handle to steady himself before doing what's necessary to grant Jared access to the house. 

As soon as Jared's face comes into view, Jensen feels the torrential desire to pull Jared into his body and then push him right up against the door, so he can claim that mouth he's been dreaming of for what seems to be forever now. He doesn't, though. As much as he desperately wants to do just that, on top of other things, he has no right to act on his impulses. 

"Jensen. . . What the hell, man?" Jared questions, concern and sadness evident on his handsome face, eyes clouded with worry as he slowly steps into the apartment, gently coaxing Jensen to take a few steps back until he can get the door closed behind him. He casts his eyes over the place, barely recognizing it with how messy it's gotten since he's been gone. There are bottles everywhere. The sink is loaded with nothing but dirty plates, some still left on the tables, looking molded and gross, clearly aging into fatal at a rapid rate. Jared's not sure where he is anymore, but this isn't the place that he used to live at with his best friend, who is looking nothing short of zombified right now. 

Jensen doesn't know how to answer that question. He doesn't even know if he has the ability to form words anymore. He only opened the door because it's  _Jared._ If it had been anyone else, he would have gladly waited it out until they were gone. Jensen doesn't have the strength or the will to do that when it comes to this man. He's not sure that he ever will. 

"Wh-what happened?" Jared mutters, on the verge of tears, as he gets a good look at his friend for the first time in a. . . Jared can't believe how long it's been. He feels awful for just now realizing the length of time that has gone by since he last saw Jensen. Why didn't he check on him sooner? Maybe he would have if he knew that it was clear that he was needed here. Jensen looks awful. Worse than Jared can ever remember seeing him. Jared's not even sure that the person in front of him, barely managing to keep themselves up,  _is_ Jensen. 

"Nothing," Jensen lies, surprised that he managed to actually get the word out. He didn't want Jared to see him like this. He doesn't want Jared to figure out  _why_ he's like this. Acting as if nothing is wrong is the best thing for him now. 

"That's complete bullshit, Jen. . ." Jared whispers, hanging his head. Jensen immediately wants to physically lift it back up for the man, because he has no reason to look so defeated right now, and seeing Jared breaking is just going to make his whole situation even worse. Himself falling apart he can deal with. Jared falling apart is not an option. 

"Look, don't worry about me, Jay. I'm fine. So the place is a bit of a mess. . . It's, uh. . . It's no big deal, all right?" Jensen attempts to calm the waters, struggling to find words through the haze in his brain. Several shots of Whiskey should sort him out, but the sane part of his brain tells him that drinking in front of Jared wouldn't help his case right now. 

Jared looks angry. "Don't worry about you? Are you kidding?" Jared moves him towards the bathroom before he can do anything to stop him. His head spins with the motion until he's stopped in front of a mirror. "Look at you, Jensen. Really look. Does that look  _fine_ to you?" Jared instructs, running a hand through his hair, eyes downcast towards the tiled floor. 

His eyes are glossy and sunken. His lips are cracked. His face is pale, cheeks retracting. He supposes it would be tough to convince anyone that he's fine from the state he's in. But he doesn't feel sad about it. Or mad. Or anything, really. In fact, he thinks that he could look even worse than this. 

"Bad hair day?" Jensen mutters, trying for humor. 

"You've never had a bad hair day," Jared deflects, turning his back on him. "This is. . . I don't know  _what_ this is, but I'm not going anywhere," he claims, seeming resolute. "We're gonna, uh. . . We're gonna get this place cleaned up. I'll start, and you can have a shower. I mean, you really stink, dude. When that's all dealt with, we'll sit down, and you can tell me just  _what_ exactly could do this to you." 

Jensen doesn't bother to argue. He doesn't even realize what's happening until hot water is beating down on his skin. There's an arm holding him up. Maybe he can't even shower himself anymore? Maybe that's why Jared's scrubbing his skin with body wash, running the water over the parts already dealt with to clear the chemicals from his flesh. This is one of his fantasies. He's practically showering with Jared, the love of his life, who is touching his naked skin, even going so far as to lift his sack and cock to really freshen him up. Hands he's longed for burying their fingers in his hair, lathering it up with Shampoo, massaging the contents into his scalp, and then using the shower hose to wash the dirt and the liquid away. Jared's showering him. He just wishes he could turn around. Maybe Jared is naked as well because he didn't want to get his clothes wet. Maybe Jared will want his turn next? No, that's not possible. That will never happen. 

"Come on, Jen," Jared encourages, wrapping a towel around his waist, and guiding him through the apartment with a hand on his back. Jensen feels like an invalid as Jared dries his skin, using extra care not to leave rub burns. He's so careful and so kind, and he leaves no place unchecked. Jared never was afraid of a naked body, so Jensen shouldn't be shocked that Jared's actually wiping the remaining water from his crotch, lifting his sack once again to dry off the sealed areas. 

Jensen feels sad when it's over, and Jared is finished pulling sweatpants up and over his legs, leaving him on the bed moments later to start cleaning up the place. Jensen wishes he had the mind to move. He wishes he could say something, but he spent most of that time willing himself not to get an erection, by imagining the most gruesome thought that he could ever muster. Jared dying. He knew that would do it. He didn't want to think about it, and he almost lost the little bit of solids that he has in his system just thinking about it. . . It was the only way to stop the temptation, though, when the source of all of his desires was handling his cock. 

A few hours later, Jared steps back into Jensen's room, feeling lost for anything to do because Jensen has not moved since he sat him there in those sweats. 

"The place is clean," Jared informs him, running a hand down his face. "I would have asked first, but I'm not sure in your current condition that I could trust your answer, so I took matters into my own hands and got rid of every last existing drop of alcohol," Jared says, easing it all in as he goes, making sure not to give Jensen a reason to freak out. He has no idea how Jensen might react right now, so he has to take baby steps at this point. 

"Okay," Jensen says plainly, staring down at his lap. 

"So, are you gonna tell me why you're like this?" 

"It's okay. Like I said, don't worry about me. I'm fine," Jensen repeats, clenching his fists on his knees. "Thanks for cleaning the place. I appreciate it, re--"

"Jensen, don't feed me all that crap. You've been drunk before, sure. We both have. But I've never had to strip you down and shower you, dry you and dress you before. That's four things I've never had to do in one sitting." 

"Admit it. You copped a feel."

Jared sighs in length through his nose. "This isn't time for jokes, Jensen. Why didn't you call me? Whatever it is you're going through, I could have helped--"

"Could you?" Jensen stops him, keeping his head lowered. "Could you really help me? It's funny. . . I guess I must have thought you didn't have time for me anymore," Jensen says, not daring to look up when he knows he's going to see that hurt look on Jared's face, and know that it's his fault that it's there in the first place. 

"How could you say that? I love you, man. I always have time for you," Jared shoots back, taking a seat next to the man and pulling him into his side. "I'll never ignore a call from you, Jensen. If I'm stuck in the middle of the desert and you need me, you've gotta know that I'll make it somehow." 

Deep down, Jensen knows that's true. He feels the same way. Always has and always will. But right now he can't hear this. He can't hear all these sweet things said from Jared. He can't hear him tell him that he loves him when it's not the kind of love he's been reaching for practically his entire life. He just  _can't_ do this right now. 

"It's just been a rough couple of weeks, Jared," Jensen intones, begrudgingly breaking away from Jared's hold. "I'll bounce back like I always do. So don't concern yourself with my problems."

"We've known each other for a long, long time, man. If you think for one second that I'll buy that, you're dumber than you look."

Jensen sighs, rubbing his eyes. "Look, Jared. I appreciate your concern. I do. But there's nothing you can say or do right now. I just have to get out of this funk on my own."

"Then tell me what got you into this  _funk_ in the first place. If you can give me that, then I'll leave you alone."

How is he supposed to say that the reason for it all is sat right next to him? How is he supposed to admit that he's self-destructing because he can't have what he's always wanted, and he's no longer willing to watch Jared live his happy life with that woman? How is supposed to tell Jared that he's irrevocably in love with him and that nothing will ever come close to making him happy ever again if Jared is not the one by his side? He can't tell him that. He just can't. Jared is happy, and that's all that matters to Jensen. Even if he dies in a ditch somewhere, drowning in his own urine, at least Jared will live on, and eventually be able to smile again. 

"I can't. . ." Jensen forces out through clenched teeth, already feeling the need to bolt. 

"What do you mean by that? We've always told each other the truth, Jensen, even the ugly truth. . . What could possibly be so bad that you can't even tell  _me_ what is it?" Jared questions, curling one of his hands around Jensen's shaking ones, attempting to halt the constant twitching of the bones under the warmth of his palm. "Please. . . Jensen, just tell me. I need to know."

When a hot tear hits his knuckle, Jensen crumbles internally. Jared is crying for him.  _He's_ the reason that Jared is crying. Jared should never cry. He should never be sad. He should always be happy. . . Always be so full of life like he always is. . . Never crying, and  _never_ because of Jensen. This is his breaking point. He can't hold it in any longer. There's just no way he can sit here and feel those hurt tears pelting against his cold flesh. He doesn't have the stomach for it. He doesn't have the heart to sit through it, and if the truth is going to stop those tears, then Jensen is just going to have to deal with the backlash on his own, after Jared politely excuses himself for a moment alone to sort through his thoughts, before ultimately coming to the conclusion that he won't leave, but things will never be the same.

"Jared, I. . .," Jensen starts, willing the lump in his throat to dislodge itself so that he can get the words out. 

Jared is quick to encourage him, getting down off the bed to kneel between Jensen's legs, squeezing the hand in his hold for support as he does his best to lock eyes with him. 

With all the strength he can muster, Jensen raises the hand not being held to thumb the side of Jared's eyes, effectively ridding them of the tears that were about to fall. He falls then, leaning his head on Jared's shoulder, kicking himself internally for breathing in Jared's smell deeply through his nose, knowing that he can't have shielded that action, although Jared doesn't seem to be paying attention to that. He's just waiting for the truth, rubbing a hand up and down Jensen's back with so much dedication Jensen nearly combusts on the spot. 

Jensen can't look as he finally says it. He can't stare into those eyes. He just can't. "Jared, I. . ." He starts, clearing his throat and ignoring the build up of tears in his own eyes. "I'm in love with you." 

Silence quickly envelopes the room. Neither of them move. Neither of them speak. Nothing happens for a long time. For what seems like a lifetime, they stay in that position, Jared's hand now holding on to Jensen's for dear life it seems, and Jensen's head still weighing down the shoulder that Jared didn't offer, however never denied Jensen access to. 

The way that he said it. . . Must have gotten through to Jared that he's being completely serious, and it means exactly what it says. There's no going back now. There's nothing he can do to take those words back. 

He needs to run. He needs to flee. . . He has to get out of here somehow. This waiting is driving him crazy. Jared is saying nothing,  _doing_ nothing. He's just knelt in that same position, without even a sound passing his lips. This is what Jensen feared. This is the moment that Jared says he needs a minute when he can get the words out. But Jensen's not going to wait. 

He can't wait. He just can't. 

With strength he didn't know he had, Jensen wrenches himself from the hold, barely managing to get out the door with his keys in his condition, but it doesn't stop him. He doesn't know if Jared's snapped out of his shocked state and realized that he's no longer in the room with him. All he's focused on right now is throwing himself into his car, shakily turning his key into the ignition, getting ready to drive off into the night. Jensen has no plans of where to go. He just needs to get away. 

About ten minutes later, he doesn't hear the truck careening into the back of his car. 

 

 


	4. Waiting is the Hardest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared gets a call. It's not a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was going to be four chapters, but I felt like a break between this one and what's going to happen next was called for, and it was really Jared that convinced me of that, so this is the second to last chapter. 
> 
> I hope you like it. :)

When Jared managed to get his bearings together, he noticed that he's on his own in the room now. The first thing he does is panic. It's the only thing he can think to do, on top of berating himself for not paying closer attention to his best friend--to his best friend who just confessed to being  _in love_ with him. . . Jared doesn't know what to do now. He doesn't know where to start. Right now, he has to find Jensen. That's all that matters. 

Jared ignores the message on his phone from Sandra telling him that he needs to come back home soon, in favor of hurrying out of the door after his friend. He assumes that that's the direction Jensen went in because he couldn't find him anywhere in the house, and he nearly got to the point of searching underneath pillows in the hopes that he might see his face. Jared's not that delusional. All he can do now is consult the list of places that Jensen would visit in his current condition. There's no guarantee that he would venture to any of them, but starting with the nearest one to him seems like the best option. 

At least, that's what he was going to do. Until his phone starts ringing, and the contact  _Private_ _Number_ occupies his screen. Jared stops moving for a second. Private number, at a time like this? What could that mean? He doesn't remember having any dealings with people of that nature for a while now. . . Does he even have time to take the call? Should he take the call? What if he misses his window of opportunity to track down his friend?

Something is telling him to take it, though. A voice inside his head is yelling at him to slide right to answer--that he'll deeply regret it if he doesn't. Done arguing with himself, Jared puts his important mission on hold for just one second to answer the call as he gets into the drivers' seat of his car.

"Hello?" 

"Hello, is that Mr. Padalecki?" 

Jared stills. "Uh. . . Speaking."

"Hello there, Mr. Padalecki. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but you were listed as his emergency contact--"

"Who's emergency contact?" Jared almost snaps, digging his fingers into his knee. He's not sure what to think. He's not even sure if he's breathing right now. He knows of one person that he's the emergency contact of, and that's Sandra because they're married. And the text he received from her had only been a few minutes ago, so he's sure that nothing life-altering could have happened in the time frame from her sending that text, to now. 

"It's a Mr. Ackles. He's been in an accident," the nameless voice says, experience in dealing with these calls evident in their tone. All Jared can hear is static. Jensen got into an accident. This is all his fault. . . If he had just manned the fuck up and said something sooner, Jensen wouldn't have had time to run away and get into an accident! Jared feels likes his heart is about to physically tear a hole through his chest. He can hear the erratic beating in his ears--he can hear it everywhere.  _Feel it_ everywhere, as if he's some giant, human-sized heart on display.

"I'm very sorry, Mr. Padalecki, but you were listed as his emergency contact, so I would advise that you make your way down here."

Jared squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in deep, pressing the head of his phone against the flesh of his temple. He needs to keep it together. There's no talk of death, yet. They're asking him to come in--not to identify a body. 

"Okay. . . Um, thank you. I'll be right in," Jared replies, hanging up before the other end has a chance to say anything else. He starts the car and floors it as fast as he can to the Hospital, not in the right mind at the moment to think about illegal gear changes or speed limits. All he's thinking about is getting to the Hospital, hoping and praying that Jensen is okay. That's it's just a short graze that he'll get over in no time. 

"He's gonna be fine. . . He has to be fine--" Jared convinces himself, slamming his fist through his window. He doesn't feel the shards of glass digging into his knuckles, nor does he sense the metallic liquid sliding under the sleeve of his shirt. "Dammit, Jen. You can't just tell me you're in love with me, and then disappear like that. . . You can't. . . You can't, all right?" Jared talks to himself, imaging Jensen sat next to him in the passenger seat, silently listening. "So, no dying until we've talked about this. Because we're going to talk about this. . . We're going to talk about th-this. . ." 

The dam breaks. Jared can't keep the tears in any longer. They slither down his face in tandem, making it harder to see the road ahead. But Jared doesn't have time to wipe them away. He screams as loud as he can, slamming his hands down on the wheel and kicking it up a notch. His chest is heaving with the force of his inhalations, bordering on hyperventilation. Before he gets himself into an accident, he needs to stay calm. He needs to stay calm for Jensen's sake. He has to do that. It's the only option that he has because there is no way in Hell that Jared is going to fail to be there for Jensen right now. Not now, and not ever. 

When the Hospital comes into view, images of Jensen bruised and bloody, limbs missing and face almost unrecognizable filter through Jared's eyes. He rubs them in an attempt to clear the images. He can't afford to think like that at this moment. Jared is quick to park the car, not caring if one of his wheels is just over the white line. He doesn't give a shit about a small detail like that. 

Jared runs through the hospital doors, momentarily satisfied that they dinged on time to grant him access. He wastes no time rushing up to the counter, quickly getting the attention of the young lady, who's tapping away at the keys, possibly finishing some sort of report. Usually, Jared would be respectful and wait for her to finish, but he's not really in the patient mood right now. 

"Excuse me, miss?" 

She looks up. "Can I help you?"

"My name is Jared Padalecki. I got a call saying that a Mr. Ackles has been in an accident."

Her face shows sympathy. "Yes, I was told you would be arriving shortly. I'll just grab someone for you who can take you to the waiting room." 

"Is he okay?" Jared questions desperately, looking as though he's about to shatter like fine china. 

"I'm afraid I don't know. I'm sorry, Mr. Padalecki."

Jared swallows and breathes out. While the person takes him to the waiting room, he starts messaging those that he trusts with this information. Jensen's parents won't be able to make it for a few days, but it's best to let them know as soon as possible. Their friends, Chad, Daneel, Christian, Tom, and Misha will stop whatever it is that they're doing so that they can get down here--Jared is sure of that. Honestly, he needs the support. 

_Holy shit, dude. That's awful. Don't worry, he's gonna be fine. Ackles is a stubborn son of a bitch. I'll be right there. --Chad._

_I'm on my way. If he wakes up before I get there, tell him I'm confiscating his car. Hang in there, honey. --Danneel._

_That idiot is gonna get such an ass-kicking when he wakes up. Be there soon, Jared. --Chris._

_Hang in there, buddy. I'll be on my way as soon as possible. --Tom._

_I was kind of waiting for the punchline, but I guess there isn't one. I'm on my way, dude. --Misha._

If any of them expected a response, they didn't get one. Jared really only had the willpower left to send that group message. He doesn't know what to feel anymore. He's on his own now, waiting to find out Jensen's fate, without any actual details on what's happened so far. Now that he's here, he's suddenly hit with a lot of memories. Those looks Jensen would give him that he would joke about. That heat Jensen must have covered up in his eyes whenever Jared had been naked around him. That need to always know where Jared was, if he was okay, when he would be back if he were gone. . . Jared thought that it was just brotherly affection. That's all he thought it was. But now--those lingering touches. Those times when Jared would literally sleep in the same bed as Jensen when he got dumped by some girl.

Jared feels like an ass. Jensen suffered in silence for years. Of course, Jared doesn't know how long it's been. It may have only been for a little while, but something tells him that that's not quite right. No, this must have been a constant thing for perhaps even a decade or so. Jared had been clueless. He wishes he had at least had an idea of it. Then he wouldn't have walked around naked without a care in the world. He wouldn't have been so affectionate with Jensen all the time because he wouldn't have wanted him to get hurt, by having more stuff to want and think about. Would that have made it worse, though? Pretending to be distant? He's not sure. He knows he wouldn't have liked it if Jensen suddenly stopped those little touches of his. Or stopped giving him massages when his bones ached. Or even allowing Jared to just put his head in his lap when they were laying on Jensen's bed watching a movie--wait, Jared can't believe how strong Jensen is. . .

Not to mention how much of an idiot he is for not saying something sooner. He must have known that Jared would never abandon him for something like that. Sure, it's kind of awkward having your best friend who you see as a brother admit that they're actually in love with you, but Jared would never in eternity be able to leave Jensen behind over something like that. 

Jared finds himself smiling before he can help himself. A lot of the things that they did together were so couple-y, and yet he never clocked on once that Jensen had feelings for him. He thought it was just their thing. 

_"Dude, I need your help with something."_

_"What's up, Jay?"_

_"I don't know how to dance."_

_"So?. . ."_

_"I have a date. And she likes to dance. And I don't know how to dance, so you need to help me."_

_"Well, you're gonna have to be the girl and just remember what I do."_

_"Seriously? Yeah, of course. Thanks, dude."_

_"No problem, Jay."_

Except, now when he thinks about that moment, that last part sounded so hurt. Jared had no idea that Jensen had been suffering each time he had a date with a girl. . . 

_"Uh. . . Jay, uh, what are you doing?"_

_"Stretching, obviously."_

_"In the nude. With my pull-up bar."_

_"So what? Free entertainment for you. You get to watch my amazing ass go up and down."_

_"Ahem, uh, I'm gonna go shower."_

_"Oh, okay. Well, I'll order some food for us after my workout."_

_"Yeah, you do that."_

Turns out that had been one heck of a long shower. And now Jared knows why. Of course, it could also be because Jensen's gay, and Jared's male. He has an ass like they all do. . . 

_"Come on, Jensen! You promised."_

_"I never said that I would pose nude with you for an art project."_

_"But you have a great body. Not that that matters--it's about the something or other to do with nudity. Still, they needed two guys, and I kind of volunteered you."_

_"I'm not really comfortable with a bunch of strangers staring at yo--my body, Jay."_

_"Please? For me? Come on. . . We can do whatever you want afterward."_

_"Whatever I want, huh?. . . Yeah, you can't give me that. But I'll settle for second best."_

Now Jared's knows what he wanted back then. What he really wanted. And that slip of the tongue. . . He didn't care about people seeing his body--he just didn't want people looking at Jared's. Jared can understand now that it's part protectiveness, part possessiveness, maybe. . . 

_"When I'm forty and have no one, you're going to divorce whoever you're with at the time and marry my ass, right? To put me out of my misery."_

_"Dude, you're like twenty-two, so give it a rest."_

_"So what? Jensen, everyone is making single when they're forty pacts."_

_"That's fucking sad."_

_"Not if you're really close to that person. It just means you don't have to worry about that whole marriage detail anymore."_

_"It wouldn't work. I like sex. You're not gay. Figure it out."_

_"That doesn't matter. We'll see other people--just be married, is all."_

_"No."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"Because I don't wanna be one of those gay married guys that sleeps with other people."_

_"But we can't sleep together. We're like brothers, man."_

_"Sure."  
_

_"If it's that big of a deal, don't worry about it."_

_"Fine."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah, why not. I can go without sex for the rest of my life."_

Jared thought he had been joking. Now, he's definitely not so sure. 

_"Hey, buddy. . . You okay?"_

_"You look like Hell, Jen."_

_"Thanks. You looked in a mirror lately?"_

_"How long was I out?"_

_"Long enough."_

It's normal for friends to be concerned for you when you're in a coma. Something about the way Jensen leaned over, swept Jared's hair out of his face and kissed his forehead so tenderly, though, is different. Jensen pretended he had only stopped by every few days, but Jared found out from the nurse that had been convinced they were together that Jensen hadn't left his bedside since it happened. That whole time, Jensen only ever left the hospital to get supplies and shower, as well as bring more changes of clothes. She had told him that he would only ever be gone for at least half an hour before he was right back at his bedside, holding onto his hand for dear life. She had told him how sweet it had been, all the stories of the past that Jensen would talk about to his comatose self, hoping that some of what he had been saying had been getting through to him. 

Maybe that should have been a clear indication, but Jared just saw it as typical Jensen behavior when Jared's unwell. He's never left his side when he's had even just a simple cold, constantly handing him tissues, disposing of them after use. Making him warm soup. Loading up films that he hates, but Jared loves. Taking time off work without even a second thought to be there with Jared. . . Jared does the same--will always do the same, but he thought it was just Jensen being the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. . . 

Tom was the last to arrive. They're all here now, trying to offer their support. He's not really listening, too lost in his own thoughts. What should he do now? Should he tell Jensen that he's glad that he told him? Would that just seem like rubbing salt in the wound? Jared has no idea. He's never been in this situation before. He's never once thought that Jensen was in love with him, so he's got nothing to prepare himself for this. 

"Jared."

Jared clears the fog in his mind to acknowledge Danneel, wondering how long she's been trying to get his attention for. He doesn't want to feel like any more of an ass than he does now, but he assumes that she can cut him some slack, considering their current situation. 

"Yeah?"

Danneel puts her hand on his shoulder, a comforting gesture that does nothing of the sort because only news of Jensen being alive and breathing can give him any form of comfort right now. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" 

Not really. He doesn't want to tell anymore. However, maybe a second opinion might just. . . Help. . .

"I went to his place. It was a mess. He was a mess. . . So I cleaned up the place, and him. . . Then I asked him to tell me what could possibly make him do that to himself, and he told me that. . . That. . . He's in love with me." 

Barely a second ticks by before Danneel says anything else. "He finally said it. . ."

Jared is shocked. "What?" 

"I promised him I wouldn't say anything. I'm sorry, honey. I wanted to tell you because maybe if you knew, then you could  _do_ something. But the fear on his face at the thought of it, stopped me." 

"I see," Jared mutters, lowering his head. "Do you think he could ever. . ."

"Get over you? Oh, no. We've tried everything, and nothing has worked."

Jared sighs forlornly. "That sucks. I truly am the biggest ass on the planet." 

Danneel places her hand on the side of his neck. "Jared. . . Sweetie, it's not your fault. Jensen doesn't blame you. He could never blame you for anything. He just kept his distance because seeing you and Sandra together. . . Actually tying the knot was just too much for him."

"So, he was just gonna avoid me forever?" Jared snaps, nearly smacking her arm away. He knows it's not her fault. He needs to calm down. 

"We've all been round to see him, Jared. He didn't answer the door. Not once. But he let  _you_ in. . ." Danneel explains, casting her eyes over their friends. "He'll always open the door to you, Jared. He probably told you the truth because you asked."

"But I didn't want him to run away. . . I-I didn't want him to think that I was angry with him," Jared rushes out, cradling his head between his hands. "I just want him to be okay."

"We all do, honey. We all do." 

* * *

 

Six months. It's been six months now. Jensen is in a coma. How the roles have reversed on that one. . . Jared broke up with Sandra. He couldn't cope with her constant nagging that he needs to come home, that she's sure that Jensen will make it through the night until he goes to visit him again, that she knows that she's second best when it comes to Jensen. And it's true. It will always be true. 

_"You know what, Sandy? I can't do this anymore. Jensen is my best friend. He's like a brother to me, and I won't have you talk about him like he's not going to make it, that he's an inconvenience in my life. Right now, that's what you are, and I can't take it anymore, so I'm done with. . . This. Okay? I just. . . I can't see you anymore. Goodbye, Sandra."_

In fact, he only realized how much of a bitch she was after Jensen's car got hit by that truck. The cold way she would ask if he would be coming home that night, not even bothering to ask if Jensen was okay, just gave him the inkling that he made a huge mistake marrying her. He's not even sure what appealed to him about her in the first place anymore. 

Jared's had a lot of time to think about what he's going to say when Jensen wakes up. Even after all this time, he's got nothing, other than he's so glad that Jensen's awake. . . 

People stop by every now and then. Not as much as they used to, and nowhere near as much as Jared, who's practically made a home here for himself now. He knows all the nurses by name. They offer their support when he needs it, and they give him space when he asks for it. Sometimes, he just wants to sit alone with Jensen, even if it is extremely hard to look at his face, knowing that he can't open his eyes yet.

"Sandra signed the divorce papers. It won't be long now before she's officially no longer my wife. I'm happy it's almost over, really. You probably hated her so much, but you didn't tell me because you didn't want to upset me. If you had kept your head out of your ass, though, you would have known that if you had told me you didn't trust her or liked her at all, then I most likely would have listened to you, dude. You didn't have to keep all of this to yourself. . ." Jared leans forward gently until his head is resting atop Jensen's rising chest. "You've gotta kn-know that you can always ta-talk to me," Jared mumbles, his words slightly muffled by the thin white blanket, already starting to soak up his tears. "You're gonna wake up. I know you are. Yo-You're the strongest person I know, so I don't have to worry about that. B-but please don't take too long because I fucking mi-miss you, dude." 

* * *

 

One year later, and Jared's not sure how much longer he can cope. It's not as if he'll ever give up on seeing Jensen's alive and well face again. That's not an option. Giving up was never an option from the beginning. It's just that he's recently come to terms with the fact that Jensen is in love with him. Has been for years. And his decision is that he's going to accept it, fully. And he's going to give Jensen what he wants, as soon as he wakes up. He's going to kiss him. Really kiss him. Jared's going to use everything he's learned from watching porn on his phone out of the sight of anyone watching, and ride Jensen's cock like his life depends on it, until Jensen can move freely, and then they can try other positions. 

He's going to do it. He's determined to do it. But he's fucking terrified. Jared doesn't know anything about this. He's not experienced in this. He's not ready for this, really. Regardless of that, this is for Jensen, and he's willing to do anything for Jensen, even give up his body for the rest of his life for the man, if that's going to make him happy, and ensure that something like this  _never_ happens again. 

Jared loves Jensen. . . He does, so he can do this. Whether or not he's in love with him is still yet to be determined. Maybe he has been this whole time, but just couldn't get past the whole they're like brothers thing? That could be it. It's not completely implausible, even if the idea of kissing Jensen now does give him a really weird feeling in his stomach. 

Still, it has to be done. He has to make Jensen happy. If his body, mouth, ass, whatever, is going to do that, then so be it. Hell, he'll be Jensen's sex slave if that makes the man happy. He'll walk around in a jockstrap all day, with a plug lodged in his ass, ready to be pulled out and replaced by Jensen's cock at any given moment, if need be. . . He's willing to do it. He can do it. He wants to do it for Jensen. 

There's just no way that Jared can go on living knowing that Jensen is miserable, anymore. If having Jared will vanquish that sadness, then Jensen can have Jared all he damn well wants. Anytime. Anywhere. Anything he can imagine, Jared will try his best to be that for him. 

He told Danneel his plan. She told him that if he didn't feel the same way, he shouldn't bother because it will only hurt Jensen that much greater in the long run. 

Maybe she's right. Maybe Jensen would be mad at him for it. Then again, maybe he wouldn't realize. . . But this is Jensen. This is the guy that knows without even looking at Jared what he's thinking, so. . . Damn. 

"Tell me what I'm supposed to do, you asshole. . ."

* * *

 

Two years. Two long-ass fucking years, and Jensen still isn't awake. 

But one thing is clear. 

It took him a long time to figure it out, but now, every time he looks at Jensen's face, Jared recognizes that warm feeling in his stomach that never fails to make itself known. . . 

The feelings are mutual. 

He loves Jensen. 

He's  _in love_ with Jensen. 

"All you gotta do is wake up, Jen. That's all you gotta do, okay? I'm not leaving you. I'll be here when you open those eyes, okay? But if you ever wanna have kids, then you're gonna have to hurry it up because times ticking for me, dude," Jared laughs the last part, laying as much of himself as he can across Jensen and softly kissing his lips. "I'll be waiting."

 

 

 

 


	5. Finally on the Same Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen wakes up. They talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, this one is now finished. I pushed myself through it for three days, and here you go. XD I'm so sorry that it's taken so long to actually get back to it, though. To be honest, I decided to finish it because it's the shortest one I have ongoing, and I figured I could find the time to get this one done. Not that I'm not inspired by it or anything--I've just had a few things going on, but I wanted to give something back, so you guys didn't think I was an asshole. Haha. . . Yeah, so anyway, I hope you enjoy the last one. 
> 
> I've never met a coma patient, been one, or anything, so I'm not going to pretend that this is accurate. But I hope it's not appalling or offensive, or something. . . That's the last thing I want--the way I did it is for the flow of the story, more than anything else. 
> 
> Please enjoy! :D

There's someone trying to reach him. He doesn't know who it is. He's not even sure he can make out most of what they're saying, but all he can tell from the submerged vocals is that they talk  _a lot._ He's been trying to open his eyes. There's something stopping him from doing that, a heavy weight halting the physical action he's attempting to transmit via a direct order to his brain. Why can't he open his eyes? Are they already open? Is he blind? All that's in front of him is darkness. Bitter darkness. But there's no guarantee that that means he can't see. When he attempts to squeeze his eyes closed, they don't budge, so that just  _can't_ be the case. How long has it been since they've opened? He doesn't know. Nothing is coming to mind, other than the consistent sounds of someone talking. 

_"Tom got. . . It was the most. . . You'd probably. . . But hey, who. . . Remember that. . . Socks go on your feet. . . Mama used to say that a lot. . ."_

None of that makes sense. What's going on here? He knows a Tom, though. Tom Welling, his and Jared's friend from Highschool. . . Shit. Jared. He told Jared. Jared knows his secret. He ran away. Jensen remembers running away because of the silence. 

_"Nurse! Nurse! What's 'pen'ng?"_

The voice is shouting now. It sounds panicked. Jensen has no idea why. There's a distinct sound of a rapid high-pitched bleeper-like sound that seems to be garnering attention from those around it. It's bringing more voices to wherever he is, voices that come with physical touches on his chest--just where on Earth is he? 

_"Is he 'na 'ay?"_

_"'ir, 'oing to 'ave 'eave 'oom."_

Jensen feels like he's observing a foreign language not known to the masses. Maybe he's been abducted by aliens. This is part of their experiment, then. Fantastic. Never wanted to believe in the little green things, but here they are. 

No. He refuses to believe that he's been taking to a distant planet by Aliens. Unless Tom means something in Alien language, then he still has to be on Earth somehow. He's picking up words used in Hospitals. Maybe he's in a Hospital, then. If so, why? How did he get here? What did he do? His plan had been to drive off into the sunset, but maybe. . . A truck, or something. He heard something. Something loud and heavy rear-ending him. That's it. He got hit. He was messed up, in a state of panic, and he got hit. He got hit hard. And now he's in Hospital. Maybe he's dying. . . Maybe he won't make it. Would that matter? Does he want to make it? Does he want to face what might be further down the road if he does? Jensen's not so sure. He hasn't had time to think it over. He just knows that having to see that weirded-out look on Jared's face sounds like  _Hell._

_"Don't you dare! Don't you dare, Jensen. Don't you fucking dare, man!"_

That voice. 

_"You hear me? You don't get to just die after two damn years!"_

_"Sir, please. Calm down. We'll do everything we can."_

_"Jensen. . .Jensen. . . JENSEN!"_

That's Jared. Jared is here. Jared is with him. He hasn't abandoned him. But then. . . That doesn't change much. Jensen always knew that if he told Jared the truth one day, that it would only change the way Jared acts around him. 

_"Jen, please--I-I need you to wake up. . . Please, Jen? For me? Wake up, for me?"_

Jensen can feel a resilient pull. Two years? It's been two years? That's nuts.

_"Come on. . . You can do it. I know you can do it. You're the strongest guy I know. You're the one who carried my drunk ass on your back for five miles. If you can do that, you can wake up right now. Please, dude. Please."_

He did do that. It was hell on his spine, but it was worth it to get Jared home safely after the idiot managed to get them lost at some joint that turned out to be not the kind of place to associate yourselves with. He didn't care about the ache the morning after. All he cared about was getting Jared safe and warm, and home. 

_"His heart rate has returned to normal, D-"_

_"I know. Let's just take a step back for a minute."_

_"And then there was the time you stopped that cow from falling on top of me."_

Jensen doesn't remember how he did it. When he saw Jared on his ass, staring fearfully up at the cow, Jensen moved on instinct. He's always moved on instinct when it comes to Jared. 

_"Or the time I got into some shit, and you took the beating for me. Dumbass. . . I begged you not to, but you wouldn't listen to me. You said that it's better this way. And maybe now I get why you said it. . ."_

Because if it had been the other way around, he would have ended up going to jail for mass-murder. 

_"You would have gone after them. Maybe you would have won. . . Maybe not, but I get that now. I get why you sacrificed yourself, and I get why you've been doing it for so long now. So, you need to get up. So we can talk. I miss you, man. So put me out of my misery, already, okay?"_

There's no possible way to explain how Jared's words alone managed to irradicate that barrier that was keeping his eyes from opening. Nevertheless, it did the trick. The first beam of light felt like the worst hangover in the history of hangovers, and Jensen only just now realized how dry his mouth was. With each word that came out of Jared's mouth, Jensen used their power to lift his eyelids that little bit more. When a familiar face came into view, it seemed to give Jensen the rest of the strength that he needed to force his eyes open the rest of the way. He found himself squinting when the light flashed like a failing torch in front of him, which seemed to be enough for whoever else is around him to close the curtains and dim the lights, making it much easier for him to adjust. 

"Jensen? Oh my God. Can someone get me some water for him, please?" Jared asks politely, although it seems like he would have bolted out of the room to grab some if no one else was going to do it. As soon as Jared has the glass in his hand, he's gently raising Jensen's head off the bed, pressing the rim of the glass to his lips. Jensen does his best to take it in, feeling a burn each time he swallows. The people around them are telling both of them to take it easy, but he assumes that neither of them are willing to stop right now. 

When the glass is empty, with missed drops slipping down the skin of his neck, Jared lowers his head carefully, taking his hand back when he's sure that Jensen's head is directly nestled onto the pillow. Jensen's not sure if he can speak yet. His eyes are open, and he can see Jared hovering over him. He's crying, but they're not tears of sadness this time. Maybe it really has been that long. Wow. Two years. He's missed two years of his life. Jared looks tired. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping much for a good while now. Jensen can't help wanting to put a stop to that. He would tell Jared to go and catch some sleep right now if he could just get the words out of his mouth. But it feels like mothballs in there. He's not ready to say anything yet. 

Should he say something, though? Does he want to say anything? He could pretend that he doesn't remember who he is. No. . . He just can't do that to Jared. Not when he looks so happy to see him awake. 

"Don't try to talk if you can't, Jen. It's okay. We have time," Jared suggests, placing his hand on Jensen's shoulder and keeping it there. He uses his free hand to wipe the tears away from his eyes, lips stretched into a heartfelt grin that doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. 

Jensen wonders what he must look like. Jared's grown a beard. It's not caveman-esque, but it's definitely full. It's easy to tell that it hasn't been maintained. Maybe Jared hasn't had the mind to shave it, or even trim it. 

"You have a beard, too. Don't worry, though. We can get that fixed real soon. And I'll shave mine as well," Jared proposes, grin still apparent on his face. Jensen doesn't care that Jared has a beard. He's still breathtaking. "Unless you wanna keep yours, that is. It's up to you, man." 

"N-No. . . Only st-stubble," Jensen manages with a great effort, loving how Jared's grin widened that little bit more with the addition of words from him. "You l-look like st-stig of the d-dump, J-Jay."

Jared laughs, and Jensen hears the heart monitor flare before steadying. "And here I thought you'd love this look on me. Well, that's the last time I look up ways to help a coma patient feel more comfortable." 

"Yo-You're ju-just lazy."

"Careful how you treat the guy who reads you bedtime stories."

"There's a fa-fault i-in yo-your sta-state-m-ment. Y-You ca-can't read."

Jensen doesn't know what they're doing. He's just acting like he always does with Jared. He's not sure if Jared remembers what he said. He's not sure what the future holds for them. This, though. This is what he can handle at the moment.

* * *

 

Jared wanted to say something the moment Jensen woke up. Something told him not to do it yet, though. Something told him to wait until they're both ready to talk about it. He's had all the time in the world to think about what he wants to say, what he wants to do, but Jensen has been out of it for the past two years. It's possible that Jensen's been convincing himself since Jared woke up that he's forgotten about what Jensen told him. How could he forget, though? He hasn't  _stopped_ thinking about it since the words left Jensen's mouth, and now he knows exactly what he wants to do with that knowledge. 

Now's not the time, though. Now, he's more than willing to just help Jensen get on his feet, and maybe when they're not here, and in the comfort of somewhere other than this place--when Jensen is well again, Jared will bring it up. He can't do it in a forceful way, though. He has to make it apparent that he's not running. That he's not going to treat Jensen any differently. That he's in this for the long haul. Jared knows that he's in love with Jensen, possibly has been from the first moment, but he was too blinded by that brotherly bond that they've always had to see that. 

It's his fault that all of this happened. Jensen's going to deny it. Of course he is. He's going to try and take the blame on his shoulders, and maybe he is to blame for some of it. He could have said something a long time ago. Maybe Jared would have come to the same conclusion back then as well if Jensen had just said something. Still, Jared doesn't hold anything against Jensen for keeping his mouth shut. He can understand the reason that he did it in the first place. Jensen didn't want Jared to start second guessing himself around him. That's the core of it all. Jared gets that Jensen knows him well enough that he wouldn't walk away, that he'd never be able to walk away from what they have, but maybe the thought of Jared treating him with kid gloves would have made it a whole lot worse? Jared doesn't know for sure. The truth of the matter is, none of that is an issue. Right now, they have to move forward. They have to get Jensen up and moving. That's all that matters. 

"What're you thinking about?" 

Jared shakes himself from his thoughts, pulling his chair that little bit closer to Jensen's Hospital bed. "Nothing really. How are you this morning?"

"I feel. . . I don't know. Two years is a long time."

"Yeah. I know," Jared agrees, desperate to hold Jensen's hand, but not yet sure if that's the right move. "At least when it was me, it wasn't this long."

Jensen glares. "It's not a contest, asshole."

Jared laughs. "If it was, I kicked your ass." 

"Maybe I'm just more convincing than you are. Could be why you woke up a lot sooner than I did," Jensen says, mirth in his eyes. 

"Whatever. I could talk a dead guy back from the dead, and you know it." 

"Pfft. They'd only come back to tell you to let them die in peace," Jensen shoots back, enjoying the banter. It's so like them. This is what he needs right now. 

Jared could have come back with something else, but he chose not to. There's something else that he's been meaning to tell Jensen. It's not the Elephant in the room, although it is important. In any case, it might make him feel better knowing that she's no longer around. 

"By the way, uh, Sandra and I are no more. . ."

Jensen's brows pinch. "What do you mean?" 

"I divorced her," Jared answers, pretending he didn't notice the relief dancing through Jensen's eyes for a brief moment. "Before you say sorry or something, don't. I'm glad she's gone. Let's just say she was a bitch." 

Jensen bites his lip, and Jared wonders not for the first time when he started to find that action so thoroughly arousing. "Well, as long as you're happy. That's all that matters."

"I am happy. Happy that I'm no longer Stig of the Dump, as you put it." 

"And I'm no longer the leader of the Hell's Angels," Jensen agrees, laughing along with Jared. 

"I totally could have used that before. Damn it. Talk about a missed opportunity," Jared says, lightly pushing Jensen's arm. 

"I can't always be bailing you out, dude. Sometimes, you gotta come up with your own stuff." 

"Maybe you're right," Jared relents, laying his head on Jensen's chest. He always used to do this. This is okay. This is what they're used to. Jensen shouldn't pick up on anything from this. Holding hands, though? That would open locked boxes. 

"You sleepy?"

Jared yawns. "I am now."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you my eyes are hypnotic?" 

Jensen's joking, but recently, Jared thinks that they are. They're so beautiful it's a struggle to look away from them. There are so many things that Jared wants to say. So many things that he wants to happen, and there are so many things buried deep in those eyes--things that Jared wants to carve out, open, unlock, uncover. . . But it's still not the time yet. 

"They're about as hypnotic as a falling tree," Jared jokes back, instead. 

"Ouch. Remind me to shield them in pictures."

"Done." 

* * *

 

Jensen's honestly never felt so glad to be back in his apartment. He had been surprised that he still had it, but Jared told him that his family covered the expenses and stuff without even being asked, so he never lost it during the time he was in a coma. Jensen can't believe that he's finally back on his feet. He's finally walking for himself. The minute he could struggle his way to a bathroom, he did it. If he no longer had to have people help him with that, staggering a little was nothing compared to his own dignity, regardless of how funny Jared thought it was. 

"I hope you don't mind, but I sort of moved back in a long time ago, so. . ." Jared mentions, making a beeline for the kettle because apparently, they're both dying for a cup of coffee. Jensen feels like he needs it right now, to be honest. The coffee back at the Hospital wasn't so good, and to have actual decent coffee sounds like a dream right about now. 

"If you've forgotten my coffee order, I will throw you out right now," Jensen threatens lightly, with no malice whatsoever. He knows Jared won't take it that way, however still play along like he always does. 

"As if I could ever forget that detail. I don't wanna have to deal with Grumpy Jackles, thank you very much." 

Jensen feigns offense. "He's a lot easier to deal with than you might think, you know. All you have to do is always make sure there's coffee and milk for the morning."

"Oh, I know. I know," Jared admits, acting with caution as he hands Jensen his coffee. They both grin as he takes a sip. "Good?" 

"Good. Thanks," Jensen says, moving towards his bedroom. He really just wants to lay in his bed for a second and soak in the fact that he's finally free from that place. Jared has mentioned nothing about what went down before the coma. Either he doesn't remember, or something. . . Jensen doesn't know. He's not even sure that he cares. All he knows is that nothing has changed between them, and that's exactly what he wanted. Their banter is still often flirty, and Jared made no move to cover himself up when he changed any part of his outfit in Jensen's Hospital room. Which didn't help, but it's better than nothing. 

Being in a coma didn't change the way he feels one bit. He still loves Jared more than anything in the entire world, and he's sure now more than ever that he'll never be able to shake his feelings off. 

"I didn't forget."

Jensen stills. 

"I didn't forget, Jen. Not for a second," Jared admits, and Jensen feels like he's about to be swallowed up by the room. "And now is the time for us to talk about it." 

"I don't wanna talk about it. I said it. It's done. Okay? Can we just. . ." Jensen rushes the words out. He wants to remain in fantasy land for some more time. He doesn't want to have to deal with this. Not now--not ever, really. He'd rather they both just pretend like it never happened.

"I'm glad you said it," Jared says, interrupting his mental tangent, taking a seat next to Jensen's form on the bed. "And I decided that I love you, too." 

Jensen's heart freezes for an instant, before it speeds up to epic proportions. What does that mean? What could Jared be trying to tell him? No, that's just not possible. It's not. It can't be. This has to be some kind of joke. And it's not a good one, if it is. 

Before he knows what he's doing, Jensen is heading for the door, when a hand stops him. "Please, don't leave again. . ."

"This isn't funny, Jared," Jensen snaps, retrieving his hand. "No. I'm not dealing with this. You're not pretending you feel the same way for me. And I know it's what you're doing because I would have done the God damn same thing if the roles were reversed."

Jensen can't see the hurt look aimed at the back of his head. He's thinking about it, though. He's also doing his best to ignore it. "I'm not lying. I'm not."

"Yes, you are. And I appreciate you trying for me. I do. But it's just not meant to be, and I won't drag you down with me--"

"I'll suck your dick right now if it'll prove I'm not lying," Jared says, and he sounds serious. He can't be, though. This isn't real. He's still dreaming. There's just no way that that detail could have changed like this. Jared has never returned his feelings, or shown signs of returning his feelings. He won't let Jared be miserable for him. He just won't. That image stopped his legs from working, though. Those words out of Jared's mouth. . . God, he needs to get some air. 

"It won't--"

"Why not? I know I'll probably suck at it at first, but I can get better at it with practice," Jared argues, attempting to turn Jensen around. "Would you look at me? Please?" 

Jensen doesn't move. Looking at Jared now will make it harder for him to ignore all of the restraint that he's built up over what seems like a lifetime. "You love me like a brother. You've said it enough. I know that. I accept that. And I know it won't change. So--"

"It's not that it changed, Jensen. It's that I realized it. I got past that boundary. That boundary that blinded for so many years--"

"Jay, stop. I  _can't_ let you do this to yourself," Jensen cuts him off, finally turning to face him. "It's not right. I'll never forgive myself. It doesn't matter how badly I want it. How badly I want  _you._ But I've been dealing with that forever, so I'm used to it."

"What are you so afraid of?" Jared almost whispers, edging closer. "Do you really think I'm lying? When have I ever lied to you?"

Never, but this is different. "You feel obliga--"

"No, I don't. It's not an obligation," Jared corrects, bowing his head. "It's fact. I get that it's hard to believe me. Hell, I would feel that way, too."

"I don't believe you," Jensen agrees. "I love you more for trying so hard. And I know that if I had bought it, you would have happily gone along with it all. But you would have been miserable, and I can't have that."

Jared breathes out hard. "Let  _me_ decide that, Jensen. Let me decide if it would make me miserable."

Jensen scrubs a hand over his face. "What are you talking about?" 

"I may not be clued up on gay sex. I may not be good at it, at first. But I want to be. And I don't wanna do it with anyone else, ever. I don't wanna kiss anyone else, ever," Jared pauses, and Jensen can feel those locked away urges demanding to force their way to the frontlines. "I don't wanna hold hands with anyone else," Jared takes a few more steps towards him, eyes focused and sure. "I don't wanna give my body to  _anyone_ else. . ." Jensen finds his tongue sweeping over his lips of its own accord. He wants to call it a traitor, but he's the traitor for letting it. "I don't wanna  _belong_ to anyone else, Jensen," Jared finishes strongly, directly in front of Jensen now, and not looking like he wants to back off, or that he's scared of what might happen next. 

Jensen wills his breathing to stay natural, ignoring the heat burning in his eyes. He has to be the better man here. He can't let Jared do this to himself. "You don't actually--"

"I do. I do. Show me. . . Show me all the things you've wanted to do to me for so long. . . Please, Jensen. Just kiss me. Maybe then. . . Maybe then you'll believe me," Jared suggests, leaving enough room for Jensen to make the decision. 

He wants to. Wants to more than anything at all. . . He wants it with all of his heart, but it's not. . . It's not right, when Jared's trying so hard to be what he wants, when really--

Jared's hand cups Jensen's visible hard-on through his jeans. "I know you want me. I can feel it. . .," Jared states, and Jensen's just now starting to see how aroused Jared is. "I like what I feel, but I know you can do much better than this. I've heard it in the other room. I've heard what you can be like. I've heard how good you can be, so show me. Show me what it is you wanna do, because I _will_  convince you that I love you--even if it takes the rest of my damn life."

"Ahh, screw it," Jensen snaps, curling his hand around the back of Jared's head. He brings their mouths together. He wanted it to be slow and educational the first time. But he's not in the mood for that right now. He's quick to press so hard Jared's mouth has to open for him, and he wastes no time at all thrusting his tongue inside, tasting Jared and coffee as he goes, tasting all of what he's been wanting to taste for so long now--claiming what he's been needing to claim, owning all of it. The sound of Jared actually moaning and willingly succumbing to Jensen's advance does things to the man. He never thought this was possible. He never thought he could ever have this. This amazing experience--getting to kiss Jared breathless.

Jensen follows Jared down onto the sheets after quickly guiding the both of them towards there. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from tearing Jared's shirt open to get to that skin he's been longing to touch in this way. . . Jensen seizes all of it, breaking the kiss to start biting and sucking marks from patch to patch, smoothing his hands along all of Jared's glorious chest, marking Jared up like he's always dreamed of--making Jared his. Letting the world know that Jared belongs to him. 

Jared is saying his name. It's not in that whiny, awful way that some of those guys he's brought back here have resulted to when he's done this. It's in desperation. For more. Jared wants more of this. He's liking this. . . He's liking what Jensen is doing to him. Jared's skin is the best of flavours. Jensen doesn't have a name for it yet. He doesn't need one. Every part of Jared is the greatest thing on Earth, and some other time, Jensen will spend hours tasting every bit of it. 

"Jensen. . . Fuck, you're like a starving man down there," Jared says, and his voice sounds slightly shot, breaths no longer even, most likely because of that kiss. Jensen licks over one of Jared's nipples, playing with it for a brief moment before making a trail down Jared's stomach, hands going to his belt. "Wait. . . I've had blowjobs. I'm sure you're awesome, but that's not the main article. Some other time, sure. But right now I want to know what you  _really_ wanna do to me." 

Jensen swallows audibly. "Holy shit, Jay. . . The mouth on you," Jensen says with a smirk, keeping his eyes locked with Jared's as he gets to work peeling off Jared's jeans, along with his shoes and socks, making sure that Jared is completely naked before he starts divesting himself of his own threads, piling them altogether on the floor somewhere. "Are you sure you want that?"

"It's gonna happen eventually," Jared states, curling his hand around Jensen's cock. "It's thick."

Jensen keeps his cool. It's difficult because Jared is holding his cock in his hand, and he actually looks hungry for it, but it's up to him to set the pace here. He's the one with the experience in this area, and he'll be damned if he ruins it for Jared. "I am quite thick for a first timer. . ."

"But I don't mind. I know it's gonna hurt at first. . . I've researched it," Jared admits sheepishly. 

Jensen finds it adorable. "You did? Wow. What else did you research?" 

There's a mischievous look in Jared's eye as he slowly opens his legs and lifts his sack. Jensen has about a second to admire Jared's state of erection before he nearly falls off the bed at the sight before him. Jared's. . . Prepared for this. He's prepared himself for this. Jensen can't quite find it in himself to take his eyes off the glistening end of what he assumes to be a butt-plug sealed around Jared's hole. 

"When? What? Did you?" Jensen interrogates intelligibly. 

Jared's cheeks flare up, and he suddenly looks like the gravity of the situation has finally hit home. "I got them a while back. I've been practicing with them. Going up in sizes and stuff. . . I didn't want you to worry too much for our first time. . ."

"I can't believe. . . You cheeky bastard--you planned for this," Jensen accuses, grinning. Before Jared says what he wanted to say next, Jensen kisses him almost completely breathless once again. "That's amazing. You're amazing. I can't believe. . . You really do--"

"I really do," Jared confirms. "Really. Always and forever."

Jensen nods his head, glancing down between Jared's legs, as if asking for permission. Jared agrees without voicing it, keeping up the eye contact as Jensen slowly pulls the plug from inside him, cataloging each reaction on Jared's face as it inches out bit by bit, finding with great interest that it appears Jared's enjoying the motion. 

When it's out, Jensen catches the moment Jared's hole seals around nothing but air, and he wills himself not to come just from that. "Wow. . . You're perfect, Jay," Jensen admits, licking his lips before bending Jared in half in one smooth motion. "Remember what I said I liked to do the most when you asked me?" 

Jared's eyes darken. "Yeah, but you told me that was to get them to submit. I'm already submitting. I'm already ready. I already want you, so. . ."

"Then you don't want it?" Jensen questions with a raised brow, breathing hot and heavy over Jared's prepared entrance. He loves the shiver that that earns him. "Because I think you do."

"Maybe. If it's what you want to do, have at it. It's an all you can eat buffet, and you're the only guest," Jared jokes, grinning like a fool. 

Jensen could  _definitely_ get used to this. He uses all of his best moves, short licks, long licks, half-curls, slow-makeouts with the tender skin, slight penetration of the tongue, and Jared loves every second of it. He can tell the noises aren't fake. He can tell that the flexing of Jared's legs, the heels tapping his shoulders are all genuine reactions to his ministrations. Having this. . . Having Jared like this is more than he could ever have asked for. Jared is so pliant, so open with him. He's still bantering with him--but Jensen expected that. There will be times when no words are needed, but right now they're figuring each other out in this aspect, so it kind of is. And, Hell, he likes the banter. Makes it more fun. 

"Remind me that when we're lost in the woods with no food, that eating my ass will be enough to stop you from resulting to cannibalism," Jared jokes, throwing his head back on the next lick, breathing out hard and heavy, curling his fingers in the sheets. "Because the way you're going at it. . . Seems. . . Like. . . You know. . . It might. . . Prevent turning. . . On each other--Holy shit, dude!" 

Jensen stops for a second. "Sure, I can remind you of that," he promises, sliding in two fingers to test if Jared's relaxed enough for the next step. He's surprised to find that he is. . . He's been with first timers before, and it usually takes so long for them to just  _relax. . ._

"Dude. . . Come on, how long have we known each other? I trust you, man. With everything. That's why I can relax," Jared says, reading his mind. "I'm ready. . . I want you, Jen."

Gently, Jensen lowers Jared's legs back down onto the bed. He settles himself in between them, giving Jared a look that says it all, and Jared just  _gets_ it, locking his legs around Jensen's waist. Jensen slides his hands under Jared's back then, lifting him into a sitting position, pressing their groins together in the center and attaching their lips for the third time, starting up a slow, sensual kiss as he uses the excess left over on the buttplug to slicken his pulsing cock. Jared goes with him as he moves him up enough to position his hole over Jensen's cock, keeping up the explorations of each other's mouths as he slowly starts his descent. Jensen swallows the sounds of pain, knowing that he's thicker than that plug, knowing that the first portion of the event is going to be painful for Jared. 

He doesn't break the kiss until Jared's fully seated. He records every moment on Jared's face visually as he adjusts to the intrusion, feeling a sense of pride at how easily Jared's just accepting it. His face contorts a few times, and there're a few winces as he shifts his hips, but he doesn't look like he's regretting a second of it. Jared looks even more beautiful like this. His forehead is coated in a sheen of sweat, his eyes are full of life and determination--his mouth is parted, taking in one breath after the other. Jensen's rhythmically stroking his hand up and down Jared's back, giving him all the time that he needs to steady himself before this goes any further. Jensen doesn't feel the need to rush him. Normally, he would want to just start fucking up into that tight friction surrounding his cock, but he has all the patience in the world for Jared, so it's not hard for him to silence that part of his instincts. He's willing to hold on until the ends of time for Jared. This feels like coming home. . . This feels like the start of something new and wonderful. . . This feels like the climactic moment in his life, and he couldn't be more content than he is now.

"Start whenever you're ready, okay? You'll find the angle that suits you best, and then I'll match you, all right?" Jensen instructs, keeping a tight grip on Jared's hips, following the resolute bob of Jared's head that intones his affirmation. "How does it feel?"

"Like a. . . I don't know. Kind of like I really wanna pee, kind of like the end point before an orgasm, you know?" Jared explains, using Jensen's shoulders to lift himself about half way, feeling it out. "But I like it. . . A lot more than I thought I would."

Jensen can't help but laugh at the first part. "God, I love you. . ." he admits freely, never taking his hands away as Jared rises and falls, his breaths beginning to pick up in sound and speed. "Sounds like you're enjoying yourself."

"Is it weird that I'm totally thinking of the part of that song where it's like _I wanna take a ride on your disco stick?"_ Jared mutters, dropping his head on Jensen's shoulder as the pleasure starts to overtake him. Jensen can feel Jared's body heating under the touch of his skin, and it brings him great relief that Jared's really starting to get into this. 

"It'd be weird if you didn't," he jokes, taking control to amp the pace up a bit, putting his own hips into the rhythm. "Only you would think of that, though." 

"It could be our song," Jared says, a short moan sounding through his throat as Jensen pitches up hard. "Fuck. . . I'm jealous of the ones that came before me." 

Jensen laughs. "They liked it, don't get me wrong. But I never tried to make it good for them," he breathes, guiding Jared down as he thrusts up, loving the bitten of gasp it rewards him. "They were all just warm bodies. You're not just a body to me, and I won't stand for any less than incredible on my part, when it comes to you."

"I'll tell you when we get there," Jared manages after a pause to suck air into his lungs. "Right now, this is sub-pa--"

Jensen silences him with a powerful thrust that makes Jared's head bounce. "You were saying?" Jensen questions, smirking at the array of gibberish coming out of Jared's mouth. "That sure sounds like more than sub-par to me, wise-guy." 

"You could. . . Still. . . Ah, fuck. . . Do better."

Taking that as a challenge, Jensen lowers Jared down to the sheets, keeping his legs splayed just over his thighs as he sensually rolls his hips in a deep circle as he presses forward, really digging into Jared's prostate, and marveling at the euphoric expression taking over Jared's face. "How's that?" Jensen inquires, although he's not expecting an answer. He slides a hand along Jared's abdomen, passing his navel to keep journeying to his right nipple. He teases it as he starts gyrating his hips, leaning forward to curl his hand under Jared's head. 

"Oh. . . Fuck. . . Ah, Jen! Fuck. . ." Jared pants out, eyes sealed shut in pleasure, mouth hanging open on a breathless moan as Jensen thrusts deeper and deeper into him, lifting his head slightly off the bed and manipulating the angle to grant him even  _deeper_ access. "Oh my God! Holy fucking. . . Shit!" 

Jensen can't find any more words. He doesn't want to say any more now. He wants to give Jared the orgasm of his life. The first of many. He keeps his pace even, fast and hard, repeatedly aiming for Jared's prostate, knowing each time a punched-out breath greets the air, he's hitting the mark dead on. Jared's thrashing his head now, clawing at the sheets. The line of his neck is visible, his Adam's apple bobbing from the force of Jensen's thrusts. 

Jensen looks down at Jared's cock, pleased to see that it's hard and leaking. Pleased to know that what he's doing is  _working_ for Jared. That Jared is liking it. That he's getting something out of it. He's confident that Jared's not pretending--he's confident that Jared's--

"I'm close. . . Hurry up, fuck!" Jared snaps, clenching his hole around Jensen's cock. Jensen snaps out of his thoughts then, using every last bit of strength he has left to drive home for as long as it takes until Jared is shooting hot ropes of come all over his chest and stomach, crying out at the intensity of it all, adding Jensen's name somewhere in the mix. "Come on. . . Your turn," Jared encourages, keeping his eyes locked on Jensen's own as he watches him make those last few thrusts before coming deep inside Jared's channel--and he can't believe he just came inside Jared. He's marked Jared inside and out now. . . This shit is official. . . They're official. 

"Your orgasm face is so hot. How do you do that? I bet I look like a Troll swatting a fly out of its face."

Jensen shakes his head. "Nah. . . You look fucking beautiful," Jensen tells him, leaning down to lick up a retreating line of Jared's come. 

"Wow. That's hot, dude," Jared says, opening his mouth when Jensen brings a finger to his lips, coated in his own come. "I've actually done this before," he admits before he sucks it off Jensen's finger. "I'm sure a lot of guys have out of curiosity."

Jensen laughs. "I don't usually like the taste of it, but anything that belongs to you is amazing," he says, licking his lips. "So, how was it?" 

"Great. So, do you want me to leave the money on the counter while you're showering or?" Jared mutters, grinning. Jensen rolls his eyes and seals their lips together for a soft kiss. "Geez, I've never met a guy that kisses sex workers before."

"Jared, shut up," Jensen advises, sucking another mark into the man's skin. "I prefer the money up front, anyway. Who's to say you wouldn't duck out while I was in the shower." 

"Wait, which one of us is the sex worker?" Jared questions, looking like he really needs to know. 

"You kind of turned it on its head. But that doesn't matter. You still sure you love me?" 

Jared nods, but he looks like he understands that Jensen would prefer he voice it. "Yeah. Of course. I love you, Jensen."

"Great," Jensen replies, kissing him again. "So, that sexless marriage we talked about doesn't have to be sexless anymore?" 

"What. . . You mean?" Jared guesses, eyes lighting up in wonderment. 

"Hell yeah. I'm gonna marry your ass as soon as we've done that at least. . . twenty more times this week," Jensen states, feeling himself hardening again already, however wary of Jared being a first timer. 

"Got a lot to make up for, huh?" 

Jensen smiles a genuine, heartfelt smile. "I didn't mind waiting, Jay. I'm just glad that my karma finally paid off." 

"Then let's start round two."

"Took the words out of my mouth, sweetheart." 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> In the next chapter, Jensen's world is going to come crashing down. Lots of tears. Lots of pain. Lots of heartache. You've been warned! Kudos, bookmarks and comments are deeply appreciated. :D


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